A few days ago at one of my birthday celebrations, a friend/colleague of mine raised a point...or at least a conversation topic, and I guess it served its point, because I'm thinking about it enuf now to post it as a question here and now.
The "we" is black women
and the question is, have we given up on our black male counterparts?
I know it's hard to conceive of us having "counterparts," with all the government ordained efforts to keep black men away from us at all costs (prison, crack, ADD, etc--all excuses), but there are some.
I also know that I am the host of a few completely unbalanced and unfair double standards, one of which being that if a black man is with a white woman he's just "given up," where a black woman with a white man has at least, and very likely "tried her darndest"
I know--not fair.
My friend mentioned his point of view, which is that black men only get with white girls to (forgive me, and him) fuck them, while black women "be on that love shit."
Harsh words, yes, but a point of view nonetheless...
I don't quite believe that's true. I do believe that a lot of black men think white women are "easier," perhaps because they don't deal with the same stresses, and because black men are not seen as "brothers" to them. So the familial obligations that black men would otherwise have towards their (black) women, are not as heavy a burden to the relationship.
Maybe it's true, maybe I just think too much.
Either way, black women seem to have less options these days. Between the pull of society, which is pitted against the black man, and white women (who come hard sometimes), and homosexuality, and (not to be forgotten) the self-important view that creates an atmosphere of whorish behavior, along with women who allow such behavior just to "get theirs," the chance of a "good" black woman actually scoring a "good" [relative term] black man is unfortunately slim.
So, have we given up? Or are we just exploring other options in the face of scarcity?
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3 comments:
this is the wrong day for me to read this, lol. I've just quit a black man because even though he had what I liked he came at me the wrong way and though I enabled it for too long, his behavior was still ridiculous and I got tired. Meh.
As for the reason why black men and women are opting in greater numbers for white mates, well there's a myriad. I think black women generally see white men as a last resort and end up with white men who they may genuinely love but made the choice to be in a relationship with anyone who would love her rather than alone or in a dysfunctional relationship with a black man.
As for black men, I think the reasons now are a bit more complex. Before I think it was fair to say that much of the interest in white women was curiosity and wanting the appearance of having achieved a certain status. Now I would add to that mix Black men who feel like white women have less emotional baggage which from a sociological perspective I would agree. But again, in all this talk about "why?" we're missing a key factor which is blacks and whites who find themselves in a romantic relationship may actually love each other no matter the circumstances. If that is the case, outsiders looking in have no rights to question that and its really none of our business.
I think people need to be confident in their own identities and choices and decision making abilities before judging others for their own.
Arin, as your friend I need to say this. You are confusing two different subjects. Giving up on "love" is different than giving up on "black men".
If you are looking for love, then remember love is blind. Period. So to hear this continuous combination of love and blackness is tiring. It has nothing to do with someones personal journey for love. If love was custom made, all the beautiful stories about it could never exist. So we need to stop thinking we can control love. Thats vain and not being honest with ourselves.
As with black men, we are men. Men are different from women. White men have just as many issues with substance abuse, domestic violence and lack of sincerety as black men. It is just not as publicized. Black men have issues that they we have born into. We can control how we come out of these issues.
As black women, you think you are the only ones having problems getting men. In Holland, almost 40%of the men are gay! And they are WHITE! Actually, in most of the nordic countries homosexuality is huge. In Portugal, domestic violence and abuse is very appartent against women. But women here are so concerned with havinga Portuguese man no matter how he treats her! So get over yourselves thinking you are the only victims! All women go through this! These womens issues may not be your specific issues, but they are issues which affect them all the same!
Alia and I married not because we wanted to make an example of black love for the world to see. Thats sounds selfish and ridiculous. So what are black women trying to prove by finding love with a black man? What is it honestly? Will you win an award from Essence or Ebony magazine or the NAACP for black love of the year. NO.
Your life is YOUR LIFE. Not the entire black race. Please start to understand this.
I love you, and I hope we discuss on this more.
i recently had a similar conversation with a sister about a mutual friend who now dates a white man. the last black man she dated got scared and ran off. i have no reason to believe that she has denounced black men, but that one turned out not to be hers. still she found love and is happy. that's beautiful.
we are right to celebrate black love. it's not easy and seems to get harder to find. and we perpetuate a lot of our difficulty to be partners. there's pain that needs healing. it impedes our ability to give our whole selves in relationships. maybe it's because we are so familiar it's easy strike out, to push away, and to leave one another. maybe we're familiar enough to know that my sister, my brother will love me regardless. or because my brother, my sister hurt us that we seek that love elsewhere. maybe it's because we don't feel that same familiarity that we seek relationships outside our race. we need healing at home.
i can empathize with any black (wo)man who has sought union with with black wo(men) and returned from that journey just as single as when they set out. it sucks. and contrary to popular opinion good black women and good black men are abundant. i'm of this tribe as are my friends. even the good ones carry baggage and bear scars. and some seekers are nearsighted. regardless, we need each other. it has been and will always be. we need black women and black men to be lovers. one who is committed to preserving, restoring, and creating black family must be willing to love in spite of fear, naysayers, or any of the inevitable obstacles to love. we're bound to fall, and sometimes it's best to walk away, but we must continue to love even in our parting.
essentially, to love is a choice and an act. it is a limitless supply of good energy. thus, we should never limit it's source to race. when love calls, answer. period. celebrate all lovers found. keep all three eyes open. and never give your own.
long live black love. long life to lovers.
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