The Reasons, The Reasons That We're Here. . .

I don't think I'd be alone in saying I sometimes wonder what my reason is for being. . .here
"here" meaning on earth or at this job or in this emotional place or on that street corner at 2am when the wind is blowing and the only cars passing by are offering nothing more than Andrew Jackson on a flimsy piece of green paper

These are the days of our lives and we go through them for a reason. I recently made the conscious decision (after spending several years unconsciously acting in an imprisoned stance) that I TRUST myself and I trust my emotions. And that when I feel good about someone, it's ok to experience that feeling. And when I feel bad about a situation, that's ok too.

I'm a very smart person. Or at least I like to think I am.
So here's my testimony:
I think too much. I know this. If you know me, you know this, and it's very likely that if you know me and we're friends, you think a lot too.
But there's a big difference in thinking a lot and thinking too much.
I was talking to a friend the other day, telling her I think too much and it's gotten me out of a lot of situations, but it's also left me OUT of many more.
She said, well I think all women analyze.
I agree. We do. It's what often separates us from our men.
We think, and think, and rethink, and overanalyze, just to make sure we're not crazy.
I guess the thing is, who cares?
Let's be crazy. Let's be our emotional selves.
Let's get loud (every now and then), but when we're loud, let's try to stay as right as possible.
My daddy told me a long time ago, "Don't be loud AND wrong"

I believe in that.
I know I'm talking in circles but the point is that overthinking (for me) trapped me out of feeling or feeling like it was okay to feel and express myself emotionally. . .as in off of paper.

So I'm much more vocal now. I'm a bit more open. I'm learning myself.
I'm happy. I'm telling people I love that I love them.
The other day I asked a great friend why he thought we hadn't become closer than we had, since we get along so well as friends and are so close.
I was curious. He wasn't afraid of the conversation and we had it.
Before, I never would have even asked. The question would have either sat still in my head, or manifested in a poem I wrote three months from now that would then disappear into a notebook I wouldn't refer back to for six more months to a year.

I'm feeling like this life I'm in right now is worth living RIGHT NOW.

My co-worker and I were just talking earlier this morning.
She said her boyfriend knows that if he asked her to marry him, she would say yes.
She's been with him for less than 3 months, people.
I don't think that's crazy necessarily. I am at a point where I believe after a certain age, we just KNOW. We love and we know we love and it's a simple as the falling rain (or hail if you're in New York City today).
I told her there's only one man I know for sure I love enough to marry, and that's my ex-
I'm not shamed to say I have all of ONE ex-boyfriend...or at least one official one.
No one else committed. And that's fine. It means I didn't either.
But he was my ex- and even with his complete lack of consistency and the fact that he disappears for seasons at a time, I love him and always have loved him unconditionally.
He has a baby AND a baby's mama (is it possible to have one without the other?) and a lot more than just that
But I said this to her and I wrote it down, so now I'm sharing it with you:
i would ruin my life to love him forever

Not that he would ever intentionally hurt me or ruin my life. Some things just are.
And it is very possible that me being with him is just not what my life is supposed to be. I might be going against my angels to commit my life to him. Who knows?
The point is, I know I would and I know I could--love him forever.
And quite honestly, marriage or not, I always will.

But this is what I'm talking about.
I'm ok with this love I have for him. I'm no longer afraid of it. No longer feeling like I need to shut my mouth or choke my emotions for the sake of pride (the ultimate killer).

I'm just being...and being me.

Love, love, love