on a day like today

i'll drink tea from a mug i don't care to break anytime soon
i'll hold true to some of my words--just not all of them

i will admit that my wants are superhuman
i will accept that perfection may only come in spirit form

i will know that i am one and alone isn't all that bad after all

if

you don't know i write
it, unfortunately, means you don't know much about me at all

i won't accept responsibility for you not knowing either

and i don't write just because i always loved the idea of spelling bees
yea, i can spell that
but i just like the way the buttons feel under me
there is a reason the fingers have padding
good for touching AND typing

what if you don't like my voice but you like my voice?
turns out there are a million ways (or maybe 10...or less) to voice any chord

how do you sound?
when you speak
when you yell
when you dance
when you move
when you sing
when you breathe

when you're asleep what are you twirling towards
that's all i'm saying

this dance i do with my fingers
it starts somewhere inside me
edging on the skirts of out
wanting heart and beat
digging inside my soul for another reason to be grateful
ain't hard to find

i'm just here to do what it is i'm called to do what i be doing when i breathe easiest

write...right?

does wanting more of you...

make me a bad person?
yesterday my friend said i have extremely high expectations of folks

and i don't know if i agree
i mean, yes if i know you and consider you a friend, yes i probably have pretty high expectations of you
but nothing i don't think you can reach out and touch with your hand

i get sick of people saying dumb STUFF like "you were an english major..." or "you're from chicago..."
so that means you don't put on the right coat?
or that means you don't learn how to differentiate between there's and theirs???

these things i won't put up with, i just won't
and all i'm saying is, if my expectations leave me alone at night forever
or if they make me a name i won't say here that i'd prefer you never call me, lest you get slammed up against whatever wall is close (cause my mama didn't raise no fool) then so be it
i just won't deal with mediocrity

i didn't get C's in school; it was below me
and i honestly believe that we are all A students, no matter how long it takes us to get there

Welcome back, Nose & Eyelashes ;-

when it don't work

you know how people say this old piece of wisdom/advice: 

if it ain't broke, don't fix it

i get that-- i even dig it

but i feel like too often, at least I have the tendency to laissez-faire, which is to say, "let things be" that really ought not ever have been

example 1- (and tonight there will be but one...and i'll use fake names as much as i can to not burn bridges but d*%#, doesn't it sometimes feel like people want you to burn them?!?)

you volunteer/work at a place that does not pay you

volunteer=not pay

you do the work

BREAK IN TIME: as i write this post, i realize how bogus i am, but as i am a human, i still feel somehow justified

to continue: they complain no matter that they're not paying you

you may arrive late, but you get the job done 

and YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAID

and no, money isn't everything

but in an economy like this...

well anyway

the thing is, the people running the program (hypothetical, of course) are a bit delusional

they think SO highly of their program that they forget to treat people well

they ask you to do things like go get coffee--for heaven's sake, i thought this was a volunteer gig--perhaps even work exchange, but certainly not a magazine gig

anyway, at last, they threaten you to take away your volunteer post if you can't get in on time--though it will certainly inconvenience them more than you if they clear your space

the problem is--they need you more than you need them

vain thought?

absolutely, but we all know the truth

and the truth is, you've been--which is to say, I have been meaning to move on for a while, but my greedy self has been taken to the thought of "getting something for free" when the reality is NOTHING is free

when i get that through my head--no matter how long it takes--i'm always better for it

when i spend my time and my energy on things that actually matter to me

when i take the effort and put it into stuff that means something REAL to me, i'm ALWAYS better for it

always happier

always fuller

always just gooder (than a mug...and you know how good a mug is--shoutout to b. cathey)

the point, beyond my (potentially drunken) rambling is this:

fill your time with the things that will truly truly bring you joy

not the things you feel like you should do because it will look good on your resume or will make you the better self you think someone else will praise you for being

BE the best that YOU can be--in yourself without outside judgment

you will love yourself more for it

and in turn, you'll be happier

and happiness, is the purpose of living

amen.

what i love about...brownstones

so, you may or may not know, but i've moved to a deeper sweeter place in brooklyn--still bedstuy but this time i'm alone!
alone, alone, alone :)
but this post is not about living alone
it's about the brownstone
i don't know how long the list will be, but i'll try to make it a number other than 25 (e.g. facebook's recent abundance of "25 things about me and my mama" lists)
here goes:
1-the gate that opens up to my "home sweet home"
2-the steps that lead up to "home sweet home"
3-the one locked door that leads to...you get the point
4-the fact that i only have one flight to walk up once i get inside
5-that in spite of #4, i can say i live in the penthouse apartment
6-the shutters on the windows--they need some work but they're so cool!
7-i only have two neighbors and they're both guys so extra extra cool

ok, that's all i got for now but i'm certain the list will grow
yay brownstones!

Sisters, Girls, Friends

this will have to be a recurring blog because i do so love at least the idea of sisters who are not quite blood-relations

today's will be short:
in October of 2008 i met two young ladies at my work-exchange at the alvin ailey school of dance who are among my newest sister-girlfriends
welela mar kindred and anita welch
welela is young at heart and body and spirit--she's a dancer and a model and she's on her way to Paris :)
Sooo fabulous, so beautiful and always aiming to find center (though she never seems far off), I just LOVE Welela because she asks the questions we sometimes forget to ask and she doesn't always have an answer
Two traits I always love in people, especially friends, are honesty and humility
One of my best friends in the world, Ms. (soon to be Dr.--PhD, by the way) Lindsey Alexander is the embodiment of both these things
Never afraid to tell me when my breath stinks (hypothetically) or when I'm acting like a bay in regard to anything, Lindsey, a predecessor to Welela and Anita, is yet another of my sister-girlfriends

Anita, also fabulous as all hell, is on tour right now, living in Pennsylvania. (Sorry babe I'm forgetting the exact name of the production...) but I know that Miss Anita (a few years younger than me and I hope to BE her!) is blowing her lungs out daily in preparation for a play that has something to do (forgive my brain freeze) with African-American history and spiritual and folktales. I'll update you with the name soon. She's pretty fearless and amazing. Her voice is beautiful and she practices ALL the time. I admire her diligence. She walks (regularly) in heels, from 55th and 9th aves, to 107th and something east of 9th.
That is FAR! One time, Anita said to me and Welela, "I love you guys--wait, I'm sorry, is it too soon for that?"

Hence our love relation. Humor, openness, freedom, and love.

I'm telling you about these wonderful women because I never ever would have thought I would meet such beautiful people in such an atmosphere or situation as...work, and volunteer work at that (read: no cash transactions) :)
Ailey--i love you!

Anyway, every Thursday morning, we would all come in with our singular baggage, or multiple loads, if you know me, and storytelling began.
Men (of course), work, respect, ethics, art, anything was a go and though I can't divuge much of the actual context of our conversations, I can tell you that Welela is substituting chocolate for men, and Anita is waiting to be called for Ragtime on Broadway.
We're all moving on up our ladders of life, but it's always good to know you have somebody new to your life who is truly rooting for you.

Anyway, I've gone on too long.
The point: love your sisters. And may they love you richly back.

my new year

happy new year to me
as of yesterday
because i refused to accept the traditional date that was given me
i had too many things to complain about
too many stuffs that just went wrong
1-my phone was stolen last weekend
2-i'm not in or headed to paris anytime soon
3-i slept wrong on my back and there is a terrible pain from my neck to my left arm/shoulder
4-i am not feeling so rich these days (i'm trying to do away with the term broke--it seems to outweigh the blessings God has given me)
5-i had (watch out) a pending move and am kind of still not sure how i'm going to afford the rent...hope my landlord isn't reading this
6-there's more but the list would get too long...but i will mention my only ex- in life had something to do with my constant crying charades recently

and so, my new year wasn't feeling so new, until yesterday when my move was complete
i am now a lover of solitude (though i've never been too far off)
i am now where i have wanted to be for a while now
i've been dreaming of living alone for a while
i have my own kitchen
i can use my own teapot and make as much or as little tea as i want
(there is definitely something selfish about living alone)
i want to--i need to be selfish right now
there are SO many things i feel i want to accomplish and that i feel i'll be more capable of if i am in my own space as needed

so yesterday was the new beginning i needed
i have house supplies to purchase--a broom, a dustpan, i guess, and other cleaning stuff (i really don't do this whole CLEANTING thing...pray for me)

i am hopeful for this new year
i am full of ambition and possibility
and i believe--which is to say i will force this reality, though I'm sure it will come to me--that the things i want to achieve will take place for me...cause God said so

...so what did God say would happen to you this year?
i pray it all goes well